The Hobbit: The Desolation of My Social Life

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
Score: 5/5
Release Date: December 13, 2013
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Runtime: 2 hr 41 mins
Format: 2D, 3D, HFR 3D, IMAX, IMAX 3D, IMAX 3D HFR
Budget: ~$200 million ($561 mil for trilogy)
Worldwide Gross Prediction: $900 MILLION

If you know me at all, you know I'm a huge Tolkienphile, Tolkienite, Tolkien-lover, Tolkienist - what have you. My favorite book growing up was The Hobbit (and it remains to be that case 17 years later). The Lord of the Rings trilogy is unquestionably my favorite movie series of all time. If I had it my way, I would be dressed up as Arwen (and my groom as Aragorn) on my wedding day. To say I have high expectations for The Hobbit trilogy is like saying the earth is round.

Now, to be frank, while I liked the first installment, The Hobbit: There and Back Again, I was disappointed. The Riddles in the Dark scene with Gollum was perfect and the Great Goblin with escape was a thrill. But, all in all, the film seemed to drag on. It lacked the magic of Mr. Jackson's previous trilogy. Little things, like the troll scene, didn't have the same sense of urgency and importance as it did in the book.

Fast forward a year and I'm bouncing up and down in my seat for The Desolation of Smaug to begin - this time I'm even more excited (if that's even possible). I'm about to relive LOTR through Legolas. I'm about to see Smaug - the terrifying creature I hated as a child. I'm about to experience BARRELS. My 9 and 14-year-old self can not contain herself. For 2 hours and 41 minutes, I couldn't contain myself. 12 hours later, as I'm writing this, I'm still about to explode from the excitement. I mean, how could a movie not be epic when the first thing you see on screen is Peter Jackson in Bree (hello, LOTR flashback!)? THIS MOVIE IS PERFECTION AND I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE IT AGAIN.

Just a word of warning for all the Tolkien purists out there - you are going to be surprised. This is not a bad thing. All the main plot points are there and true to Tolkien's original material. However, everything is expanded (as expected - they are essentially making a 310-page novel into a 9 hour film) to the point where you don't know what's going to jump out at you or what exactly is going to happen to our beloved characters.

I'm going to make a bullet list of all the main parts of the film, otherwise, I'll still be writing this when the final installment comes out. Spoilers ahead. (Can I actually spoil a story that's 76 years old?)

• MAJOR FLASHBACK MOMENT IN THE PRANCING PONY. EEEK. Sitting in the center of the pub looking mighty small, Thorin might as well be Frodo - with a bounty on his head. Only, this time, Gandalf is actually there. The scene occurs right before Thorin decides to form The Company and enlist Bilbo The Burglar. It makes you feel like you are in for an adventure without screaming it at you.
• Beorn is a cool giant with distractingly bushy eyebrows. His bear form is beautiful and haunting. It seems like his scenes are cut short. There has to be more of him in an extended edition - much like how I felt about Radagast's interaction in the first film.
• Gandalf does his disappearing act. He misses his meeting time with the dwarves because he's too busy getting beat up. This time, instead of Saruman, it's The Necromancer spinning Ian McKellen on the ground and pinning him to the wall. He gets in a couple cool YOU SHALL NOT PASS moments. However, he ultimately ends up stuck in a cage that's hanging off a cliff, witnessing an Orc and warg army about to unleash itself upon Middle Earth. Sauron and The Eye finally make an appearance. 
• Mirkwood looks like Rivendell and Fangorn Forest had a baby. The forest is making everyone delusional and crazy. Bilbo decides to channel his inner Took and climb a tree. The top of the forest is breathtaking. I want to build a treehouse and live there til the end of my days. In full Took form, he starts screaming about how close they are to the Lonely Mountain and making their presence known. The trees start moving in the distance. SPIDERS. OMG SO MANY SHELOBS. RUN!!! Too late, the entire Company is a bunch of stiff, rolled-up spider tacos. Thanks, Bilbo.
• Imagine if the Aragog and spider spawn scene in Harry Potter was geared towards adults. This is what is unfolding before me. I'm not afraid to admit that I jumped back in my seat so many times I lost count. I joined the audience in our loud, unison groans of "EWWW" and "UGHHH" as spiders are dismembered and goo is getting everywhere. I'm having a blast.
• Bilbo loses his ring in the spider fight. If you didn't think so already, you now know why Martin Freeman was casted in this role of a lifetime.
• AN ARROW HITS A SPIDER IN THE FACE. OMFGGGG. LEGOLASSSSSSSSSS. I'M DYING RIGHT NOW. SO MANY ELVES. SO MUCH BADASSERY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO LOOK AT. Cheers and clapping all over the theater. Yes. I'm in my happy place. They even threw in Gimli's name in there as they're capturing the dwarves. Orlando's look of disgust during the conversation is making me giddy all over.
• Thranduil is a dick. And a fierce bitch. But we already knew this. He also eerily looks younger than his son. You kind of find out why.
• Despite my initial scepticism, I'm starting to like Tauriel - Evangeline Lilly's made up character. The way Kili looks at her. The way she speaks to him. I can't handle the interspecies sexual tension. Oh yeah, did I mention she's a freaking BADASS? Imagine Eowyn and Arwen rolled up in one. Yup, you're in love already.
• BARRELS. OMG. IT'S HAPPENING. MY FAVORITE THING IN ALL OF TOLKIEN'S WORLD. YES. Believe me when I tell you Peter Jackson's take on the barrels is beyond anything my imagination could've come up with. I need a Tolkien theme park to open RIGHT NOW so I can get in a barrel and kill some Orc. Bombur - yes, the short, fat, ginger one with the braided pretzel beard - is a certified Badass In A Barrel™. Legolas is stepping on dwarf heads and kicking ass. I don't know whether to fan myself or laugh.
• Kili gets shot with an arrow at a parapet. You're internally screaming because it brings you back to the exact moment when Haldir got shot. THIS ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPENING. WHY YOU DO DIS TO ME, JACKSON?!
• Bard is hot. Bard is smart. Bard is sensitive. Bard is the people's champion. I appreciate you, Luke Evans. 
• Venice, Hogsmeade and Minas Tirith had a baby. It is called Laketown and I kind of want to live here despite how its corrupt ruler has ran it to the ground. 
• The dwarves leave for the Lonely Mountain. Thorin kicks Kili off the boat because he is gray. And kind of blue. He looks like death, basically. Fili stays with his brother. It is a beautiful moment.
• Tauriel comes in, saving the day with some Kingsfoil while glowing and calmly screaming Elvish curing spells over and over. Liv Tyler, is that you? It's official, Kili is in love. And Tauriel has picked a dwarf over Legolas. I'm not even blaming her. Meanwhile, Legolas sees his blood for the first time after he gets punched in the face. The look on his face is the same one he has when he gets a "tingly feeling" in his fingertips during his drinking game with Gimli. I'm giggling during the most inappropriate moment.
• The dwarves are staring at the wall of Erebor. Thorin finally gets to use his key. How the hell are we here already? 
• SMAUG. THE DRAGON IS TALKING AND IT'S RIDICULOUS AND I DON'T CARE BECAUSE IT IS BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH'S BOOMING VOICE.
• Lots of cool things happen with Smaug. I'm not going to be any more specific because it is a real treat.
• Smaug flies off to destroy Laketown, looking shiny and magestic as fuck.
• Bilbo says, "What have we done?"
• The screen turns black. IS THAT IT? WHAT THE FUCK, JACKSON. DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING LIKE THAT. I HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER YEAR?  NOOOO. FUUUUU.

TL;DR: Go see it. Go see it a lot.

Elysium: If this is Heaven, can I have a re-do?

E·ly·si·um

 

[ih-lizh-ee-uhm, ih-lee-zhee-, ih-liz-, ih-lee-zee-, ih-lizh-uhm]

noun

1.

Also called Elysian Fields. Classical Mythology . the abode of the blessed 

after death.

2.

any similarly conceived abode or state of the dead.

3.

any place or state of perfect happiness; paradise.

4.

an area in the northern hemisphere of Mars, appearing as a light region when 

viewed telescopicallyfrom the earth.

5.

Neill Blomkamp's poor attempt at making a new District 9.

Elysium
Score: 3.3/5
Release Date: August 9, 2013
MPAA Rating: R
Runtime: 1 hr 49 mins
Format: 2D, IMAX
Budget: $100 million+
Worldwide Gross Prediction: $120 million

A few years ago, Peter Jackson signed on to produce a film adaptation of the Halo video-game with first-time director Neill Blomkamp. To the dismay of gamers, sci-fi fans and Master Chief cosplayers everywhere, Bill Gates/XBOX/Microsoft couldn't cough up 1% of his fortune to have the film made and it has since been shelved. Luckily for action, thriller and sci-fi fans, District 9 was born. Drawing influences from Aliens, The Terminator, Robocop, The Fly, Dark Angel, first-person shooters and historical events that took place in South Africa, District 9 was a breath of fresh air for an audience who grew sick of all the stale, run-of-the-mill sci-fi films that Hollywood has been shoving down our throats for the last decade. Elysium isn't quite one of those forgettable movies, but it's close.

The movie opens up with some breathtaking shots of what seems to be an apocalyptic, war-torn Earth as well as some perfectly mowed lawns on Elysium, a Halo-shaped habitat 20 minutes (by space shuttle) above the surface of Earth. As the thrilling scenery was flying past infront of me, I had a giant grin on my face because I felt like I was about to embark on an exciting journey. The grin didn't stay on my face for long, until Matt Damon's abs made a cameo. 

Okay, stop staring. Let's get back to the movie. You soon find out that everyone on Earth is trapped there living in extreme poverty due to overpopulation. The citizens of Elysium are the true 1%, spending all their days around their pools as if they were in the Hamptoms 100% of the time. Each house has one of those cool med-pods from Prometheus, which heals any ailment or disease (even leukemia or a half blown off head!). Hence, Elysium residents are essentially immortal as there is no conflict or war in this utopic paradise to kill you. As predicted, Earth dwellers try desperately to "illegally immigrate" to Elysium - or at least to go up there and use the medical pods to cure whatever illnes they have. Commanded by a power-hungry Jodie Foster, all attempts to fly to Elysium are thwarted by missiles that kill ships full of innocent humans, including sick children. I don't know if these scenes were put in there to elicit tears, sympathy or anger from the audience. All it got from me was a look of disgust.

The film goes back and forth between different political themes. Poverty. Distribution of wealth. Universal Healthcare. Immigration laws. All it was missing was a gay marriage debate and it would've been a perfect propaganda film for November's democratic campaigns. Only all of these topics were mere after-thoughts, with no real exploration or commentary. In the end, you just think "Damn, it must really suck to live on Earth in 2154. They don't even have giraffes or gorillas. Elysium sucks too. I would hate having pool parties with superficial people all day, every day." What's the point of being immortal then? Cuz Sookie Stackhouse totally wants to be turned into a vampire just so she could have rich assholes over at her lakehouse for eternity.

I feel bad for Matt Damon. He's an amazing actor who can also kick ass (there are only a handful of guys that can make me cry like a bitch in one scene and, in the next, make me clap after they stab someone in the throat with a pencil). Sadly, he's made some bombs in the last few years and even lost his headlining gig as Jason Bourne. This movie is not going to help him any. Jodie Foster should consider retirement. Her strange coming-out speech was more awkward than inspiring - and so was her portrayal of Defese Secretary Delacourt in this movie. She had a different accent in each scene. I can't stand inconsistency like that - especially if you're going to be playing a completely bat-shit crazy bitch. It just makes you less believable as a protagonist. Sharlto Copley (he was the badass new-comer from District 9) plays Kruger, a clinically insane rapist/murderer who somehow got hired by Foster's character as a sleeper military agent. They would work together. I perked up in my seat when Diego Luna and William Fichtner showed up. Of course, they are the only two that didn't last long. Whoops. Guess that's your spoiler. 

TL;DR: Matinee it if you were a fan of District 9 or Dark Angel. Otherwise, skip it and watch Terminator 2: Judgment Day for the 8934723th time.

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monotony

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters
Score: 1.2/5
Release Date: August 7, 2013
MPAA Rating:PG-13
Runtime: 1 hr 47 mins
Format: 2D, 3D
Budget: ~$100 million
Worldwide Gross Prediction: $180 million

When watching a movie, there are two things that are unforgiveable to me: predictability and bad acting. We go to the cinemas hoping for an escape from the real world of our mundane lives - by watching extremely attractive people chase each other around for love or watching extremely attractive people kick some ass - or both. The last thing you want in a film is a bunch of semi-attractive people walking around looking like they're reading off of cue cards, flinging their arms around in horribly rehearsed choreographed fight sequences while following every cliché in the rulebook and showing no chemistry whatsoever. That's not an escape that I want.

I saw the first Percy Jackson movie on HBO during one of my many post-college, unemployed potato-couch vegging sessions. It was forgettable. It didn't make me want to read the novels. I have no recollection of what the plot was. This was the summary I had of the first movie when I walked into Sea of Monsters tonight: 1) The main character is named Percy Jackson 2) He's a demigod 3) His dad, Poseidon, had sex with a human 4) All his friends' parents had sex with gods too.

The sequel to 2010's Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief is on par or worse than its predecessor. Maybe I should've re-watched the first movie before going in to see this one to get a better comparison. However, I've already wasted 2 hours of my life to this franchise (now 4 hours) so I opted to go in with a blank slate rather than spend another 2 hours watching something I would as easily forget the second time. The blank slate didn't help. The plot is nothing new. The monsters are nothing new. There are no stand-out characters or actors worth mentioning. Stanley Tucci played Stanley Tucci - this time as a wine lover who is cursed and can only drink water. I will point out the worst offenders though. Douglas Smith, who plays Tyson (Percy's half-brother) and Jake Abel, who plays Luke (Percy's arch nemesis) win the award for worst big-screen actors of 2013. Tyson is there for - what I assume - comic relief. The only thing he makes you want to do is facepalm yourself out of secondhand embarrassment. Luke is full of hate and wants to destroy the world out of boredom. You do not feel sorry for him on his fancy yacht. He has rich-daddy-doesn't-pay-attention-to-me issues. Boo hoo. You just want to smack him in the face and watch him cry like a little bitch - much like Joeffrey on Game of Thrones.

The only highlight for me was Nathan Fillion wearing khaki shorts and a UPS polo as Hermes. He even threw in a joke about the best TV show ever getting cancelled before it reached it's prime. I was the only one in the entire theater that chuckled (Off Topic #2: Watch Firefly if you haven't yet). I enjoyed a couple of the action sequences but they were all wasted by horrible CGI. The mechanical bull that attacks the school looked cool at first. However, when it blows up, pieces of actual scrap metal magically appear. The contrast between the computer generated metal and the real metal only emphasized just how bad the CGI was - once again, ruining the escape. Despite the 3D having been added post-production, it is actually worth the few extra dollars. That's not permission to go out and pay to see this movie. It's definitely a sit-at-home, bored on a Sunday night, oh look - it's free on TV! type of movie.

TL;DR: I wish I had skipped this like I skipped Clash of the Titans.

I wonder, which one is worse?

R.I.P., Ryan Reynolds' career.

R.I.P.D.
Score: 0/5
Release Date: July 19, 2013
MPAA Rating:PG-13
Runtime: 1 hr 36 mins
Format: 2D, 3D
Budget: $130 million
Worldwide Gross Prediction: $80 million 
(there are lots of stupid fucking people
in the world)

NO.

JUST.

NO.

DO NOT PASS GO.

DO NOT COLLECT $200. 

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THINGS THAT ARE HOLY, DO NOT GIVE THIS SHIT MONEY.

tl;dr: R.I.P.D. should be an acronym for "why the fuck did I just spend the last hour and a half watching this shit when I could've used that precious time getting my eye sockets raped by a screwdriver?"* Wait, that doesn't make any sense? Neither does this movie. If you enjoy watching Ryan Reynolds ruin comic book heroes (i.e. Marvel's Deadpool, DC's Green Lantern and now Dark Horse's Nick Cruz [Walker], then by all means, go see this P.O.S. Otherwise, stay the fuck away.

P.S. Why does Mary-Louise Parker get to keep making movies? And why is she always wearing nasty ass hooker boots? Does she bribe the costume department with weed so she can wear whatever the fuck she wants? Better yet, does she bribe casting agents with Jeffreys (+10 points if you know what I'm talking about) to get a job in the first place?

P.P.S. Jeff Bridges, you're better than this. Please re-assess your career for the sake of mankind.

P.P.P.S. You too, Kevin Bacon. smh.

* Skull-fucking was actually a joke** in R.I.P.D. 

** I'm using the word "joke" very, very, VERY lightly.

Pacific Rim: Go Big or Go Extinct? Go big in 3D!

Pacific Rim
Score: 3/5
Release Date: July 12, 2013
MPAA Rating:PG-13
Runtime: 2 hr 11 mins
Format: 2D, 3D, IMAX, IMAX 3D
Budget: $180 million
Worldwide Gross Prediction: $280 million

Food is scarce. The world is in ruins. Terrotorial boundaries and politics don't matter anymore.
Alien monsters are taking over. Mechas are created to protect the future of humankind.

If you've been waiting for Japanese animes like Neon Genesis Evangelion and Full Metal Panic! to get big-budget, live-action treatments - and have been disappointed by Michael Bay's interpretation of Transformers on the big screen - this movie is for you. I think we can all agree that 2013 has been a pretty disappointing year for sci-fi action fans. Oblivion had potential but it was poorly executed. G.I. Joe: Retaliation was barely better than its horrible predecessor even after having been delayed over a year. World War Z would've been better if Brad Pitt wasn't totally hung up on his annoying family the entire time. I didn't even bother seeing After Earth. On the other side of the spectrum, there is Star Trek: Into The Darkness. It was the perfect sequel to one of my favorite movies of the last decade. Like Star Trek, Pacific Rim belongs on the good side of the spectrum. It is a breath of fresh air. Chock-full of original ideas (by Hollywood standards) and breathtaking CGI, it had me laughing, cheering and mesmerized for over two hours.

It has the look of Blade Runner with the feel of Battlestar Galactica and RobotTech.

It reminds you of Halo and Mass Effect cut scenes.

It's Roland Emmerich's Godzilla with less camp and better acting (although Charlie Day was annoying, Burn Gorman was a cartoon character, Rinko Kikuchi's accent was hardly discernible and Charlie Hunnam was pretty robotic - despite all that, the acting was still better. I'm gonna thank Ron Perlman for being his badass self and Idris Elba for being perfect).

The jaw-dropping visual effects and amazing fight sequences between the Kaiju (a Japanese word meaning "strange beast" that has personally been synonymous with Godzilla; here, they are giant aliens that emerge from a portal in the Pacific Ocean) and Jaegers (mechas that are controlled by two mind-melded pilots) will blow your mind. Guillermo del Toro is nothing less than a mastermind. I'm so glad he did something productive after giving up The Hobbit.

Remember the first time you saw Optimus Prime transform on the big screen in 2007? Or the first time you saw the Iron Man suit wrap around Tony Stark in 2008? Well, you'll get that same tingly feeling when you see the mechas activate for the first time. Elba suited up and Hunnam's abs will also provide tingly feelings of another nature for some of you. You know who you are. The 3D is worth it just for the fight sequences. But it won't make you feel like you're touching Hunnam's abs. Sorry, ladies.

TL;DR: If you're a fan of sci-fi action, you will not be disappointed. 

You'll be immersed into a new world of post-apocalyptic ruins and futuristic technology you can only dream of. Character development is lacking and the cast isn't the strongest, but hopefully you're here to see robots and monsters fighting - not people yapping. And epically awesome fighting is what you'll get.

When's the sequel coming out?

What have I got in my pocket?

So I figure I should make an introduction post before I go any further with this blog and people start questioning me about my taste in movies.

I plan on making some Top Ten lists so my readers can have a better grasp about what kind of movies I will gladly watch with my eyes taped open - and which ones would drive me to blow my brains out if I had to see them again.

Before I compile those lists, I'll share some fun facts about myself.

• The first book I remember reading was a pop-up Star Wars book. I was about 3 or 4 and my dad gave it to me. I have no idea if there were words in it. All I remember is that I liked the Han Solo page so much that I broke his arm off. That probably explains a lot.
• In 1989 or 1990, my brother was watching Child's Play in the living room. Which means I was either 2 or 3 years old at the time. To this day, I run away in horror from Chuckie dolls if I ever see them in stores.
• I've broken quite a few VHS tapes. Mrs. Doubtfire, The Mighty Ducks, Kindergarten Cop and Free Willy are the first ones that come to mind.
• In fourth grade, my class was assigned to read and analyze The Hobbit for a whole trimester. It became my favorite novel of all time. I re-read it at least once every 5 years. 
• The first movie I saw multiple times in theaters was Men In Black. I dragged my parents to see it with me 4 times. My dad still does the Edgar 'Sugar-Water' routine to make me laugh.
• My first DVD was Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring. It was also the last VHS I ever bought. I actually lost count on how many versions of the LOTR movies I possess. Thanks, extended editions, gift sets, limited editions and blu-rays. You're welcome, New Line Cinema and Peter Jackson.
• My first midnight screening was Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. It was also my first midnight book release party.
• In fifth grade, I wrote an essay on the topic of what I wanted to be when I grew up. I couldn't decide between a film critic or a pediatrician, so I went with a pediatrician who moonlighted as a film critic. 
• 12 years later, I became a registered nurse. I no longer have dreams of becoming a doctor. But I do still dream about getting paid to watch movies. Cinema will always be my one true passion.  
• My name is Patricia and I'm a movie addict.

P.S. Did I mention I'm kind of a creeper?

Celebrate 'MURICA this July 4th by watching Native Americans get gunned down by a turret in Disney's The Lone Ranger!

The Lone Ranger
Score: 0/5
Release Date: July 3, 2013
MPAA Rating:PG-13 (Should be R - it's way too violent for kids)
Runtime: 2 hr 29 min
Format: 2D/Digital
Budget: $250+ million O_o
Worldwide Gross Prediction: $200 million (There are a lot of Johnny Depp fans out there)

I don't know where to begin. I am truly at a loss for words with just HOW BAD this movie is. I'm starting to think that the tag line to this blog has cursed movies for me. Here was my Facebook status right after I left the theater having sat through 2 and a half hours of complete and utter garbage:

FYI - I've never seen The Lone Ranger TV show. But as a pop culture enthusiast, I know bits and pieces about John Reid ("Hi-Yo, Silver! Away!") and his Native American sidekick, Tonto ("Ke-mo sah-bee"). That being said, I'm pretty sure I was better off NOT knowing much and having no expectations whatsoever going into this hot mess also known as a film.

Johnny Depp, director Gore Verbinski, and producer Jerry Bruckheimer all teamed up for the first three Pirates and now they're back to torture us in another franchise (let's hope this one doesn't get any sequels.. but it IS Disney, after all). I was a huge fan of the first Pirates. I found it refreshing, entertaining and a great escape - wholesome fun for the entire family. I even had a talking Jack Sparrow bobblehead on the dash of my car, spitting out phrases like "WATCH THE ROCKS!" whenever I hit a pothole or "WHERE'S THE RUM?!" whenever I swerved. By the time that awful third movie came out, Captain Jack was on his way to the back of my closet. I didn't even bother watching the fourth one. I've reached the point where I physically gag if I see Bruckheimer and Disney in the same sentence.

If you've seen the trailer to The Lone Ranger, you probably thought it looked like a re-hash of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies set in a western. You wouldn't be wrong, but you would be giving it much more credit than it deserves. Try a re-hash rolled up in a genocide pie buried in a pile of horse manure. And that's exactly what you get. A bunch of Native Americans (and even a handful of Chinese railroad workers for good measure!) blasted to hell for some chunks of silver by a couple of psychotic brothers who want to own America by taking control of The West via the railroad. I feel bad for Armie Hammer. He tried really hard for his first starring role. Only it's a shitty one-dimensional role. Where he gets covered in horse shit. In a really shitty movie. Seeing William Fichtner on the cast list of any film makes me excited. He is easily one of my favorite actors and one of the only reasons why I tolerated the last seasons of Prison Break. As a cannibalistic outlaw who giggles while he shoots innocents? No, thank you. (How is this a Disney movie!?) He, along with Depp, were cartoons rather than humans. And don't get me started on Ruth Wilson's woe-is-me, damsel-in-distress widow who sticks her tongue down the first person who saves her on a shining horse.  Oh wait. That's right. Women's Lib didn't exist in the Wild West.

I couldn't understand why everyone surrounding me kept laughing at Depp's quirks and antics. We've all seen the same schtick time and time again. It was brilliant in Edward Scissorhands. It was funny in the first Pirates. It was tolerable in Alice. It was enough in Dark Shadows. Am I wrong in wanting to see Depp in a movie without Helena Bonham Carter? I have nothing against either of them - separately - but whenever they're together, I feel like I'm watching the same movie in different settings. Whatever happened to the days of Gilbert Grape, Blow or Fear and Loathing? I miss Depp The Actor. I'm over Depp The Caricature. The Lone Ranger was a step-by-step tutorial on how to act weird and trick simple-minded audiences into thinking they're seeing something new and exciting. If you're hoping for a fun buddy-comedy western, keep dreaming. The only thing you'll find here are the bad parts of Wild Wild West (Were there even any good parts? Other than Will Smith's scrotum?), the mute Jack Sparrow that wore thumbs around his neck and some Fast and Furious chase sequences with trains and horses. Oh and there is some serious horse slaughter in it - War Horse-style - but it was totally gratuitous and unnecessary. Don't say I didn't warn you. 

TL;DR: I'm not going to even get into the multiple plots of the movie. It would read like verbal diarrhea. Coming out of a schizophrenic's tattered mind. TEAM DESPICABLE ME 2!!!

Suffering From Stage 1 Shitty Sequel Syndrome: RED 2

RED 2
Score: 2.5/5
Release Date: July 19, 2013 
MPAA Rating:PG-13 
Runtime:  1 hr 56 min 
Format: 2D/Digital
Budget: ~$58 million 
Worldwide Gross: Guessing $90 million

I loved RED in 2010. I thought it was highly under-rated and more people should've seen it. The action and story were smart. Bruce Willis was a BAMF (as usual). John Malkovich's oddities were endearing (as usual). Helen Mirren was a sexy minx (as usual). Morgan Freeman made me shed a tear (as usual). The cast was a flawless machine, creating fun entertainment for comic book fans, action fans, comedy fans and even couples.

Fast forward 3 years and you get a modge-podge of a plot with a plethora of forced jokes and random fight scenes. RED 2 is not the edge-of-your-seat action-thriller full of laughs that its predecessor was - not in the slightest. (WARNING: SPOILERS. DUH.)

The film opens with Bruce Willis buying jumbo shrimp at Costco, trying to adjust to retired life. Malkovich fakes his death. Willis stabs him repeatedly with a flower pin in his coffin because he doesn't believe he's dead. Neal McDonough tries to kill them. Willis does hot things in handcuffs. Byung-hun Lee is topless and sweaty, doing hot things in a silk robe (Holy G.I. Joe: Retaliation déjà vu, Batman!). Mary-Louise Parker fires a gun and almost shoots Malkovich in the foot. She is annoying. And her tight Botox and/or facelift is a really distracting sidekick. Catherine Zeta-Jones nibbles on Willis' lips. She back-stabs and poisons him. David Thewlis (Remus Lupin) channels David Tennant as Barty Crouch (I shit you not. He gets interrogated in a chair and starts licking himself and screaming nonsense). Helen Mirren does a great impersonation of a crazy woman who thinks she's Queen Elizabeth in order to break Anthony Hopkins out of a mental institution. Flashbacks to Hannibal Lecter + A Beautiful Mind run in your mind. Hopkins tries to detonate a red mercury nuclear warhead that he created over 30 years prior. Willis out-smarts the smart guy.

As a sequel, it's not as bad as Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen or The Matrix Reloaded. It's no Bourne Supremacy though. I would say it's pretty equivalent to The Whole Ten Yards. Recycled jokes. Unoriginal story. Tweaks the good parts of the original to make it seem like you're watching something new, when you're really just watching the first movie in a different setting. RED 2 had some cool action sequences, but most of them feel like they were just thrown in there to make the audience cheer - cuz let's face facts, people love to see Bruce Willis kick ass. And Lee is climbing the ranks as the go-to Asian action hero/villain. And he does it well in a suit. Or topless. But better as Storm Shadow. That's not permission to see G.I. Joe: Retaliation instead. I actually don't know which one is the worst sequel. My suggestion this month? Go see Man Of Steel if you want action. Or This Is The End if you want action and comedy.

TL;DR: See it in matinee if you liked RED. 

Otherwise, wait til it's on Netflix and watch it after you see RED, so you'll appreciate the original more.

Note: RED 2's release date was pushed forward 2 weeks. Now it will compete against R.I.P.D. - instead of Disney's Planes. Summit Entertainment is so smart.

Olympus Has Fallen V. White House Down

For the love of god and all things that are holy - do NOT see White House Down. Ever.
If you give that steaming pile of overly-advertised turd of a movie any money,
I will personally hunt you down and nutpunch you.

Let's break down some facts of these eerily similar films, shall we?
(WARNING: SPOILERS. DUH.)

Olympus Has Fallen
Released: March 22, 2013
Budget: $70 million
Worldwide Gross:  ~$140 million
Score: 4.8/5

• Vice President sets up plot to take over the White House in order to get nuclear launch codes to blow up America. 
• North Koreans disguised as South Koreans help. 
• President gets saved by a former secret service agent. 
• Advertised as an action-drama. Had quite a few funny moments, i.e. when Gerard Butler needed to type in a hashtag to stop America's nuke arsenal from annihilating us off the face of the planet. He clearly doesn't tweet.
• President: Aaron Eckhart. 
• Acting President: Morgan Freeman
• Secret Service Agent: Modern-day Leonidas
• Love interest: Guns, cursing and torture
• Script bought by studio in March 2012. Filming began July 2012.

White House Down
Release Date: June 28, 2013
Budget: $150 million
Worldwide Gross: Hopefully $0
Score: 1/5

• Secret Service Director AND the Speaker set up plot to take over the White House in order to get nuclear launch codes to blow up the Middle East and start World War 3. 
• KKK members and former military members who hate the current president (for being black) help. 
• President gets saved by an off-duty cop who, earlier in the day, interviews for and fails to obtain a secret service position. 
• Advertised as a a action-buddy dramedy. Not dramatic. Nor funny. Unless you find Jamie Foxx kicking in a guy's head whilst yelling "DON'T TOUCH MY JORDANS!" hilarious. Then, this movie is totally for you. 
• President: Jamie Foxx. 
• Acting President: No one gives a shit.
• Wannabe Secret Service Agent: Magic Mike
• Love interest: Rachel Dawes. Props to Maggie Gyllenhaal for showcasing her impeccable range as the disinterested workaholic brunette, one movie at a time.
• Script bought by studio in March 2012. Filming began July 2012.

TL;DR: If you want to see the White House blown up, watch Olympus Has Fallen.
The action is better, the effects are better, the acting is better, the script is better, the dialogue is better, the cast chemistry is better, the enemies are better, the weapons are better - hell, even the burning flag is better.

WINNER BY K.O.: 

OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN.

It's Air Force One meets Die Hard with a Vengeance. It freaking has the Washington Monument crumbling down, crushing innocent, slightly obese tourists from the Midwest.
Tell me you don't want to see that and I'll show you the door.

Just ask yourself, would you trust Leonidas to protect you against terrorists or a stripper?
Thought so.