Percy Jackson: Sea of Monotony

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters
Score: 1.2/5
Release Date: August 7, 2013
MPAA Rating:PG-13
Runtime: 1 hr 47 mins
Format: 2D, 3D
Budget: ~$100 million
Worldwide Gross Prediction: $180 million

When watching a movie, there are two things that are unforgiveable to me: predictability and bad acting. We go to the cinemas hoping for an escape from the real world of our mundane lives - by watching extremely attractive people chase each other around for love or watching extremely attractive people kick some ass - or both. The last thing you want in a film is a bunch of semi-attractive people walking around looking like they're reading off of cue cards, flinging their arms around in horribly rehearsed choreographed fight sequences while following every cliché in the rulebook and showing no chemistry whatsoever. That's not an escape that I want.

I saw the first Percy Jackson movie on HBO during one of my many post-college, unemployed potato-couch vegging sessions. It was forgettable. It didn't make me want to read the novels. I have no recollection of what the plot was. This was the summary I had of the first movie when I walked into Sea of Monsters tonight: 1) The main character is named Percy Jackson 2) He's a demigod 3) His dad, Poseidon, had sex with a human 4) All his friends' parents had sex with gods too.

The sequel to 2010's Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief is on par or worse than its predecessor. Maybe I should've re-watched the first movie before going in to see this one to get a better comparison. However, I've already wasted 2 hours of my life to this franchise (now 4 hours) so I opted to go in with a blank slate rather than spend another 2 hours watching something I would as easily forget the second time. The blank slate didn't help. The plot is nothing new. The monsters are nothing new. There are no stand-out characters or actors worth mentioning. Stanley Tucci played Stanley Tucci - this time as a wine lover who is cursed and can only drink water. I will point out the worst offenders though. Douglas Smith, who plays Tyson (Percy's half-brother) and Jake Abel, who plays Luke (Percy's arch nemesis) win the award for worst big-screen actors of 2013. Tyson is there for - what I assume - comic relief. The only thing he makes you want to do is facepalm yourself out of secondhand embarrassment. Luke is full of hate and wants to destroy the world out of boredom. You do not feel sorry for him on his fancy yacht. He has rich-daddy-doesn't-pay-attention-to-me issues. Boo hoo. You just want to smack him in the face and watch him cry like a little bitch - much like Joeffrey on Game of Thrones.

The only highlight for me was Nathan Fillion wearing khaki shorts and a UPS polo as Hermes. He even threw in a joke about the best TV show ever getting cancelled before it reached it's prime. I was the only one in the entire theater that chuckled (Off Topic #2: Watch Firefly if you haven't yet). I enjoyed a couple of the action sequences but they were all wasted by horrible CGI. The mechanical bull that attacks the school looked cool at first. However, when it blows up, pieces of actual scrap metal magically appear. The contrast between the computer generated metal and the real metal only emphasized just how bad the CGI was - once again, ruining the escape. Despite the 3D having been added post-production, it is actually worth the few extra dollars. That's not permission to go out and pay to see this movie. It's definitely a sit-at-home, bored on a Sunday night, oh look - it's free on TV! type of movie.

TL;DR: I wish I had skipped this like I skipped Clash of the Titans.

I wonder, which one is worse?