The Hobbit: The Desolation of My Social Life

The Hobbit: The Desolation of Smaug
Score: 5/5
Release Date: December 13, 2013
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Runtime: 2 hr 41 mins
Format: 2D, 3D, HFR 3D, IMAX, IMAX 3D, IMAX 3D HFR
Budget: ~$200 million ($561 mil for trilogy)
Worldwide Gross Prediction: $900 MILLION

If you know me at all, you know I'm a huge Tolkienphile, Tolkienite, Tolkien-lover, Tolkienist - what have you. My favorite book growing up was The Hobbit (and it remains to be that case 17 years later). The Lord of the Rings trilogy is unquestionably my favorite movie series of all time. If I had it my way, I would be dressed up as Arwen (and my groom as Aragorn) on my wedding day. To say I have high expectations for The Hobbit trilogy is like saying the earth is round.

Now, to be frank, while I liked the first installment, The Hobbit: There and Back Again, I was disappointed. The Riddles in the Dark scene with Gollum was perfect and the Great Goblin with escape was a thrill. But, all in all, the film seemed to drag on. It lacked the magic of Mr. Jackson's previous trilogy. Little things, like the troll scene, didn't have the same sense of urgency and importance as it did in the book.

Fast forward a year and I'm bouncing up and down in my seat for The Desolation of Smaug to begin - this time I'm even more excited (if that's even possible). I'm about to relive LOTR through Legolas. I'm about to see Smaug - the terrifying creature I hated as a child. I'm about to experience BARRELS. My 9 and 14-year-old self can not contain herself. For 2 hours and 41 minutes, I couldn't contain myself. 12 hours later, as I'm writing this, I'm still about to explode from the excitement. I mean, how could a movie not be epic when the first thing you see on screen is Peter Jackson in Bree (hello, LOTR flashback!)? THIS MOVIE IS PERFECTION AND I CAN'T WAIT TO SEE IT AGAIN.

Just a word of warning for all the Tolkien purists out there - you are going to be surprised. This is not a bad thing. All the main plot points are there and true to Tolkien's original material. However, everything is expanded (as expected - they are essentially making a 310-page novel into a 9 hour film) to the point where you don't know what's going to jump out at you or what exactly is going to happen to our beloved characters.

I'm going to make a bullet list of all the main parts of the film, otherwise, I'll still be writing this when the final installment comes out. Spoilers ahead. (Can I actually spoil a story that's 76 years old?)

• MAJOR FLASHBACK MOMENT IN THE PRANCING PONY. EEEK. Sitting in the center of the pub looking mighty small, Thorin might as well be Frodo - with a bounty on his head. Only, this time, Gandalf is actually there. The scene occurs right before Thorin decides to form The Company and enlist Bilbo The Burglar. It makes you feel like you are in for an adventure without screaming it at you.
• Beorn is a cool giant with distractingly bushy eyebrows. His bear form is beautiful and haunting. It seems like his scenes are cut short. There has to be more of him in an extended edition - much like how I felt about Radagast's interaction in the first film.
• Gandalf does his disappearing act. He misses his meeting time with the dwarves because he's too busy getting beat up. This time, instead of Saruman, it's The Necromancer spinning Ian McKellen on the ground and pinning him to the wall. He gets in a couple cool YOU SHALL NOT PASS moments. However, he ultimately ends up stuck in a cage that's hanging off a cliff, witnessing an Orc and warg army about to unleash itself upon Middle Earth. Sauron and The Eye finally make an appearance. 
• Mirkwood looks like Rivendell and Fangorn Forest had a baby. The forest is making everyone delusional and crazy. Bilbo decides to channel his inner Took and climb a tree. The top of the forest is breathtaking. I want to build a treehouse and live there til the end of my days. In full Took form, he starts screaming about how close they are to the Lonely Mountain and making their presence known. The trees start moving in the distance. SPIDERS. OMG SO MANY SHELOBS. RUN!!! Too late, the entire Company is a bunch of stiff, rolled-up spider tacos. Thanks, Bilbo.
• Imagine if the Aragog and spider spawn scene in Harry Potter was geared towards adults. This is what is unfolding before me. I'm not afraid to admit that I jumped back in my seat so many times I lost count. I joined the audience in our loud, unison groans of "EWWW" and "UGHHH" as spiders are dismembered and goo is getting everywhere. I'm having a blast.
• Bilbo loses his ring in the spider fight. If you didn't think so already, you now know why Martin Freeman was casted in this role of a lifetime.
• AN ARROW HITS A SPIDER IN THE FACE. OMFGGGG. LEGOLASSSSSSSSSS. I'M DYING RIGHT NOW. SO MANY ELVES. SO MUCH BADASSERY. I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO LOOK AT. Cheers and clapping all over the theater. Yes. I'm in my happy place. They even threw in Gimli's name in there as they're capturing the dwarves. Orlando's look of disgust during the conversation is making me giddy all over.
• Thranduil is a dick. And a fierce bitch. But we already knew this. He also eerily looks younger than his son. You kind of find out why.
• Despite my initial scepticism, I'm starting to like Tauriel - Evangeline Lilly's made up character. The way Kili looks at her. The way she speaks to him. I can't handle the interspecies sexual tension. Oh yeah, did I mention she's a freaking BADASS? Imagine Eowyn and Arwen rolled up in one. Yup, you're in love already.
• BARRELS. OMG. IT'S HAPPENING. MY FAVORITE THING IN ALL OF TOLKIEN'S WORLD. YES. Believe me when I tell you Peter Jackson's take on the barrels is beyond anything my imagination could've come up with. I need a Tolkien theme park to open RIGHT NOW so I can get in a barrel and kill some Orc. Bombur - yes, the short, fat, ginger one with the braided pretzel beard - is a certified Badass In A Barrel™. Legolas is stepping on dwarf heads and kicking ass. I don't know whether to fan myself or laugh.
• Kili gets shot with an arrow at a parapet. You're internally screaming because it brings you back to the exact moment when Haldir got shot. THIS ISN'T SUPPOSED TO BE HAPPENING. WHY YOU DO DIS TO ME, JACKSON?!
• Bard is hot. Bard is smart. Bard is sensitive. Bard is the people's champion. I appreciate you, Luke Evans. 
• Venice, Hogsmeade and Minas Tirith had a baby. It is called Laketown and I kind of want to live here despite how its corrupt ruler has ran it to the ground. 
• The dwarves leave for the Lonely Mountain. Thorin kicks Kili off the boat because he is gray. And kind of blue. He looks like death, basically. Fili stays with his brother. It is a beautiful moment.
• Tauriel comes in, saving the day with some Kingsfoil while glowing and calmly screaming Elvish curing spells over and over. Liv Tyler, is that you? It's official, Kili is in love. And Tauriel has picked a dwarf over Legolas. I'm not even blaming her. Meanwhile, Legolas sees his blood for the first time after he gets punched in the face. The look on his face is the same one he has when he gets a "tingly feeling" in his fingertips during his drinking game with Gimli. I'm giggling during the most inappropriate moment.
• The dwarves are staring at the wall of Erebor. Thorin finally gets to use his key. How the hell are we here already? 
• SMAUG. THE DRAGON IS TALKING AND IT'S RIDICULOUS AND I DON'T CARE BECAUSE IT IS BENEDICT CUMBERBATCH'S BOOMING VOICE.
• Lots of cool things happen with Smaug. I'm not going to be any more specific because it is a real treat.
• Smaug flies off to destroy Laketown, looking shiny and magestic as fuck.
• Bilbo says, "What have we done?"
• The screen turns black. IS THAT IT? WHAT THE FUCK, JACKSON. DON'T LEAVE ME HANGING LIKE THAT. I HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER YEAR?  NOOOO. FUUUUU.

TL;DR: Go see it. Go see it a lot.