Friday, June 21, 2013

Olympus Has Fallen V. White House Down

For the love of god and all things that are holy - do NOT see White House Down. Ever.
If you give that steaming pile of overly-advertised turd of a movie any money,
I will personally hunt you down and nutpunch you.

Let's break down some facts of these eerily similar films, shall we?
(WARNING: SPOILERS. DUH.)

Olympus Has Fallen
Released: 
March 22, 2013
Budget: $70 million
Worldwide Gross:  ~$140 million

Score: 4.8/5
  • Vice President sets up plot to take over the White House in order to get nuclear launch codes to blow up America. 
  • North Koreans disguised as South Koreans help. 
  • President gets saved by a former secret service agent. 
  • Advertised as an action-drama. Had quite a few funny moments, i.e. when Gerard Butler needed to type in a hashtag to stop America's nuke arsenal from annihilating us off the face of the planet. He clearly doesn't tweet.
  • President: Aaron Eckhart. 
  • Acting President: Morgan Freeman
  • Secret Service Agent: Modern-day Leonidas
  • Love interest: Guns, cursing and torture
  • Script bought by studio in March 2012. Filming began July 2012.


White House Down
Release Date: 
June 28, 2013
Budget: $150 million
Worldwide Gross: Hopefully $0

Score: 1/5
  • Secret Service Director AND the Speaker set up plot to take over the White House in order to get nuclear launch codes to blow up the Middle East and start World War 3. 
  • KKK members and former military members who hate the current president (for being black) help. 
  • President gets saved by an off-duty cop who, earlier in the day, interviews for and fails to obtain a secret service position. 
  • Advertised as a a action-buddy dramedy. Not dramatic. Nor funny. Unless you find Jamie Foxx kicking in a guy's head whilst yelling "DON'T TOUCH MY JORDANS!" hilarious. Then, this movie is totally for you. 
  • President: Jamie Foxx. 
  • Acting President: No one gives a shit.
  • Wannabe Secret Service Agent: Magic Mike
  • Love interest: Rachel Dawes. Props to Maggie Gyllenhaal for showcasing her impeccable range as the disinterested workaholic brunette, one movie at a time.
  • Script bought by studio in March 2012. Filming began July 2012.

TL;DR: If you want to see the White House blown up, watch Olympus Has Fallen.
The action is better, the effects are better, the acting is better, the script is better, the dialogue is better, the cast chemistry is better, the enemies are better, the weapons are better - hell, even the burning flag is better.

WINNER BY K.O.: 
OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN.

It's Air Force One meets Die Hard with a Vengeance. It freaking has the Washington Monument crumbling down, crushing innocent, slightly obese tourists from the Midwest.
Tell me you don't want to see that and I'll show you the door.

Leonidas vs Magic Mike

Just ask yourself, would you trust Leonidas to protect you against terrorists or a stripper?
Thought so.

2 comments:

  1. That means I will Choose I WHITE HOUSE DOWN. Thanks!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'd trust Leonidas to protect me against terrorists and strippers.

    ReplyDelete