Celebrate 'MURICA this July 4th by watching Native Americans get gunned down by a turret in Disney's The Lone Ranger!

The Lone Ranger
Score: 0/5
Release Date: July 3, 2013
MPAA Rating:PG-13 (Should be R - it's way too violent for kids)
Runtime: 2 hr 29 min
Format: 2D/Digital
Budget: $250+ million O_o
Worldwide Gross Prediction: $200 million (There are a lot of Johnny Depp fans out there)

I don't know where to begin. I am truly at a loss for words with just HOW BAD this movie is. I'm starting to think that the tag line to this blog has cursed movies for me. Here was my Facebook status right after I left the theater having sat through 2 and a half hours of complete and utter garbage:

FYI - I've never seen The Lone Ranger TV show. But as a pop culture enthusiast, I know bits and pieces about John Reid ("Hi-Yo, Silver! Away!") and his Native American sidekick, Tonto ("Ke-mo sah-bee"). That being said, I'm pretty sure I was better off NOT knowing much and having no expectations whatsoever going into this hot mess also known as a film.

Johnny Depp, director Gore Verbinski, and producer Jerry Bruckheimer all teamed up for the first three Pirates and now they're back to torture us in another franchise (let's hope this one doesn't get any sequels.. but it IS Disney, after all). I was a huge fan of the first Pirates. I found it refreshing, entertaining and a great escape - wholesome fun for the entire family. I even had a talking Jack Sparrow bobblehead on the dash of my car, spitting out phrases like "WATCH THE ROCKS!" whenever I hit a pothole or "WHERE'S THE RUM?!" whenever I swerved. By the time that awful third movie came out, Captain Jack was on his way to the back of my closet. I didn't even bother watching the fourth one. I've reached the point where I physically gag if I see Bruckheimer and Disney in the same sentence.

If you've seen the trailer to The Lone Ranger, you probably thought it looked like a re-hash of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies set in a western. You wouldn't be wrong, but you would be giving it much more credit than it deserves. Try a re-hash rolled up in a genocide pie buried in a pile of horse manure. And that's exactly what you get. A bunch of Native Americans (and even a handful of Chinese railroad workers for good measure!) blasted to hell for some chunks of silver by a couple of psychotic brothers who want to own America by taking control of The West via the railroad. I feel bad for Armie Hammer. He tried really hard for his first starring role. Only it's a shitty one-dimensional role. Where he gets covered in horse shit. In a really shitty movie. Seeing William Fichtner on the cast list of any film makes me excited. He is easily one of my favorite actors and one of the only reasons why I tolerated the last seasons of Prison Break. As a cannibalistic outlaw who giggles while he shoots innocents? No, thank you. (How is this a Disney movie!?) He, along with Depp, were cartoons rather than humans. And don't get me started on Ruth Wilson's woe-is-me, damsel-in-distress widow who sticks her tongue down the first person who saves her on a shining horse.  Oh wait. That's right. Women's Lib didn't exist in the Wild West.

I couldn't understand why everyone surrounding me kept laughing at Depp's quirks and antics. We've all seen the same schtick time and time again. It was brilliant in Edward Scissorhands. It was funny in the first Pirates. It was tolerable in Alice. It was enough in Dark Shadows. Am I wrong in wanting to see Depp in a movie without Helena Bonham Carter? I have nothing against either of them - separately - but whenever they're together, I feel like I'm watching the same movie in different settings. Whatever happened to the days of Gilbert Grape, Blow or Fear and Loathing? I miss Depp The Actor. I'm over Depp The Caricature. The Lone Ranger was a step-by-step tutorial on how to act weird and trick simple-minded audiences into thinking they're seeing something new and exciting. If you're hoping for a fun buddy-comedy western, keep dreaming. The only thing you'll find here are the bad parts of Wild Wild West (Were there even any good parts? Other than Will Smith's scrotum?), the mute Jack Sparrow that wore thumbs around his neck and some Fast and Furious chase sequences with trains and horses. Oh and there is some serious horse slaughter in it - War Horse-style - but it was totally gratuitous and unnecessary. Don't say I didn't warn you. 

TL;DR: I'm not going to even get into the multiple plots of the movie. It would read like verbal diarrhea. Coming out of a schizophrenic's tattered mind. TEAM DESPICABLE ME 2!!!