Elysium: If this is Heaven, can I have a re-do?

E·ly·si·um

 

[ih-lizh-ee-uhm, ih-lee-zhee-, ih-liz-, ih-lee-zee-, ih-lizh-uhm]

noun

1.

Also called Elysian Fields. Classical Mythology . the abode of the blessed 

after death.

2.

any similarly conceived abode or state of the dead.

3.

any place or state of perfect happiness; paradise.

4.

an area in the northern hemisphere of Mars, appearing as a light region when 

viewed telescopicallyfrom the earth.

5.

Neill Blomkamp's poor attempt at making a new District 9.

Elysium
Score: 3.3/5
Release Date: August 9, 2013
MPAA Rating: R
Runtime: 1 hr 49 mins
Format: 2D, IMAX
Budget: $100 million+
Worldwide Gross Prediction: $120 million

A few years ago, Peter Jackson signed on to produce a film adaptation of the Halo video-game with first-time director Neill Blomkamp. To the dismay of gamers, sci-fi fans and Master Chief cosplayers everywhere, Bill Gates/XBOX/Microsoft couldn't cough up 1% of his fortune to have the film made and it has since been shelved. Luckily for action, thriller and sci-fi fans, District 9 was born. Drawing influences from Aliens, The Terminator, Robocop, The Fly, Dark Angel, first-person shooters and historical events that took place in South Africa, District 9 was a breath of fresh air for an audience who grew sick of all the stale, run-of-the-mill sci-fi films that Hollywood has been shoving down our throats for the last decade. Elysium isn't quite one of those forgettable movies, but it's close.

The movie opens up with some breathtaking shots of what seems to be an apocalyptic, war-torn Earth as well as some perfectly mowed lawns on Elysium, a Halo-shaped habitat 20 minutes (by space shuttle) above the surface of Earth. As the thrilling scenery was flying past infront of me, I had a giant grin on my face because I felt like I was about to embark on an exciting journey. The grin didn't stay on my face for long, until Matt Damon's abs made a cameo. 

Okay, stop staring. Let's get back to the movie. You soon find out that everyone on Earth is trapped there living in extreme poverty due to overpopulation. The citizens of Elysium are the true 1%, spending all their days around their pools as if they were in the Hamptoms 100% of the time. Each house has one of those cool med-pods from Prometheus, which heals any ailment or disease (even leukemia or a half blown off head!). Hence, Elysium residents are essentially immortal as there is no conflict or war in this utopic paradise to kill you. As predicted, Earth dwellers try desperately to "illegally immigrate" to Elysium - or at least to go up there and use the medical pods to cure whatever illnes they have. Commanded by a power-hungry Jodie Foster, all attempts to fly to Elysium are thwarted by missiles that kill ships full of innocent humans, including sick children. I don't know if these scenes were put in there to elicit tears, sympathy or anger from the audience. All it got from me was a look of disgust.

The film goes back and forth between different political themes. Poverty. Distribution of wealth. Universal Healthcare. Immigration laws. All it was missing was a gay marriage debate and it would've been a perfect propaganda film for November's democratic campaigns. Only all of these topics were mere after-thoughts, with no real exploration or commentary. In the end, you just think "Damn, it must really suck to live on Earth in 2154. They don't even have giraffes or gorillas. Elysium sucks too. I would hate having pool parties with superficial people all day, every day." What's the point of being immortal then? Cuz Sookie Stackhouse totally wants to be turned into a vampire just so she could have rich assholes over at her lakehouse for eternity.

I feel bad for Matt Damon. He's an amazing actor who can also kick ass (there are only a handful of guys that can make me cry like a bitch in one scene and, in the next, make me clap after they stab someone in the throat with a pencil). Sadly, he's made some bombs in the last few years and even lost his headlining gig as Jason Bourne. This movie is not going to help him any. Jodie Foster should consider retirement. Her strange coming-out speech was more awkward than inspiring - and so was her portrayal of Defese Secretary Delacourt in this movie. She had a different accent in each scene. I can't stand inconsistency like that - especially if you're going to be playing a completely bat-shit crazy bitch. It just makes you less believable as a protagonist. Sharlto Copley (he was the badass new-comer from District 9) plays Kruger, a clinically insane rapist/murderer who somehow got hired by Foster's character as a sleeper military agent. They would work together. I perked up in my seat when Diego Luna and William Fichtner showed up. Of course, they are the only two that didn't last long. Whoops. Guess that's your spoiler. 

TL;DR: Matinee it if you were a fan of District 9 or Dark Angel. Otherwise, skip it and watch Terminator 2: Judgment Day for the 8934723th time.

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monotony

Percy Jackson: Sea of Monsters
Score: 1.2/5
Release Date: August 7, 2013
MPAA Rating:PG-13
Runtime: 1 hr 47 mins
Format: 2D, 3D
Budget: ~$100 million
Worldwide Gross Prediction: $180 million

When watching a movie, there are two things that are unforgiveable to me: predictability and bad acting. We go to the cinemas hoping for an escape from the real world of our mundane lives - by watching extremely attractive people chase each other around for love or watching extremely attractive people kick some ass - or both. The last thing you want in a film is a bunch of semi-attractive people walking around looking like they're reading off of cue cards, flinging their arms around in horribly rehearsed choreographed fight sequences while following every cliché in the rulebook and showing no chemistry whatsoever. That's not an escape that I want.

I saw the first Percy Jackson movie on HBO during one of my many post-college, unemployed potato-couch vegging sessions. It was forgettable. It didn't make me want to read the novels. I have no recollection of what the plot was. This was the summary I had of the first movie when I walked into Sea of Monsters tonight: 1) The main character is named Percy Jackson 2) He's a demigod 3) His dad, Poseidon, had sex with a human 4) All his friends' parents had sex with gods too.

The sequel to 2010's Percy Jackson & the Olympians: The Lightning Thief is on par or worse than its predecessor. Maybe I should've re-watched the first movie before going in to see this one to get a better comparison. However, I've already wasted 2 hours of my life to this franchise (now 4 hours) so I opted to go in with a blank slate rather than spend another 2 hours watching something I would as easily forget the second time. The blank slate didn't help. The plot is nothing new. The monsters are nothing new. There are no stand-out characters or actors worth mentioning. Stanley Tucci played Stanley Tucci - this time as a wine lover who is cursed and can only drink water. I will point out the worst offenders though. Douglas Smith, who plays Tyson (Percy's half-brother) and Jake Abel, who plays Luke (Percy's arch nemesis) win the award for worst big-screen actors of 2013. Tyson is there for - what I assume - comic relief. The only thing he makes you want to do is facepalm yourself out of secondhand embarrassment. Luke is full of hate and wants to destroy the world out of boredom. You do not feel sorry for him on his fancy yacht. He has rich-daddy-doesn't-pay-attention-to-me issues. Boo hoo. You just want to smack him in the face and watch him cry like a little bitch - much like Joeffrey on Game of Thrones.

The only highlight for me was Nathan Fillion wearing khaki shorts and a UPS polo as Hermes. He even threw in a joke about the best TV show ever getting cancelled before it reached it's prime. I was the only one in the entire theater that chuckled (Off Topic #2: Watch Firefly if you haven't yet). I enjoyed a couple of the action sequences but they were all wasted by horrible CGI. The mechanical bull that attacks the school looked cool at first. However, when it blows up, pieces of actual scrap metal magically appear. The contrast between the computer generated metal and the real metal only emphasized just how bad the CGI was - once again, ruining the escape. Despite the 3D having been added post-production, it is actually worth the few extra dollars. That's not permission to go out and pay to see this movie. It's definitely a sit-at-home, bored on a Sunday night, oh look - it's free on TV! type of movie.

TL;DR: I wish I had skipped this like I skipped Clash of the Titans.

I wonder, which one is worse?