R.I.P., Ryan Reynolds' career.

R.I.P.D.
Score: 0/5
Release Date: July 19, 2013
MPAA Rating:PG-13
Runtime: 1 hr 36 mins
Format: 2D, 3D
Budget: $130 million
Worldwide Gross Prediction: $80 million 
(there are lots of stupid fucking people
in the world)

NO.

JUST.

NO.

DO NOT PASS GO.

DO NOT COLLECT $200. 

FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND ALL THINGS THAT ARE HOLY, DO NOT GIVE THIS SHIT MONEY.

tl;dr: R.I.P.D. should be an acronym for "why the fuck did I just spend the last hour and a half watching this shit when I could've used that precious time getting my eye sockets raped by a screwdriver?"* Wait, that doesn't make any sense? Neither does this movie. If you enjoy watching Ryan Reynolds ruin comic book heroes (i.e. Marvel's Deadpool, DC's Green Lantern and now Dark Horse's Nick Cruz [Walker], then by all means, go see this P.O.S. Otherwise, stay the fuck away.

P.S. Why does Mary-Louise Parker get to keep making movies? And why is she always wearing nasty ass hooker boots? Does she bribe the costume department with weed so she can wear whatever the fuck she wants? Better yet, does she bribe casting agents with Jeffreys (+10 points if you know what I'm talking about) to get a job in the first place?

P.P.S. Jeff Bridges, you're better than this. Please re-assess your career for the sake of mankind.

P.P.P.S. You too, Kevin Bacon. smh.

* Skull-fucking was actually a joke** in R.I.P.D. 

** I'm using the word "joke" very, very, VERY lightly.

Pacific Rim: Go Big or Go Extinct? Go big in 3D!

Pacific Rim
Score: 3/5
Release Date: July 12, 2013
MPAA Rating:PG-13
Runtime: 2 hr 11 mins
Format: 2D, 3D, IMAX, IMAX 3D
Budget: $180 million
Worldwide Gross Prediction: $280 million

Food is scarce. The world is in ruins. Terrotorial boundaries and politics don't matter anymore.
Alien monsters are taking over. Mechas are created to protect the future of humankind.

If you've been waiting for Japanese animes like Neon Genesis Evangelion and Full Metal Panic! to get big-budget, live-action treatments - and have been disappointed by Michael Bay's interpretation of Transformers on the big screen - this movie is for you. I think we can all agree that 2013 has been a pretty disappointing year for sci-fi action fans. Oblivion had potential but it was poorly executed. G.I. Joe: Retaliation was barely better than its horrible predecessor even after having been delayed over a year. World War Z would've been better if Brad Pitt wasn't totally hung up on his annoying family the entire time. I didn't even bother seeing After Earth. On the other side of the spectrum, there is Star Trek: Into The Darkness. It was the perfect sequel to one of my favorite movies of the last decade. Like Star Trek, Pacific Rim belongs on the good side of the spectrum. It is a breath of fresh air. Chock-full of original ideas (by Hollywood standards) and breathtaking CGI, it had me laughing, cheering and mesmerized for over two hours.

It has the look of Blade Runner with the feel of Battlestar Galactica and RobotTech.

It reminds you of Halo and Mass Effect cut scenes.

It's Roland Emmerich's Godzilla with less camp and better acting (although Charlie Day was annoying, Burn Gorman was a cartoon character, Rinko Kikuchi's accent was hardly discernible and Charlie Hunnam was pretty robotic - despite all that, the acting was still better. I'm gonna thank Ron Perlman for being his badass self and Idris Elba for being perfect).

The jaw-dropping visual effects and amazing fight sequences between the Kaiju (a Japanese word meaning "strange beast" that has personally been synonymous with Godzilla; here, they are giant aliens that emerge from a portal in the Pacific Ocean) and Jaegers (mechas that are controlled by two mind-melded pilots) will blow your mind. Guillermo del Toro is nothing less than a mastermind. I'm so glad he did something productive after giving up The Hobbit.

Remember the first time you saw Optimus Prime transform on the big screen in 2007? Or the first time you saw the Iron Man suit wrap around Tony Stark in 2008? Well, you'll get that same tingly feeling when you see the mechas activate for the first time. Elba suited up and Hunnam's abs will also provide tingly feelings of another nature for some of you. You know who you are. The 3D is worth it just for the fight sequences. But it won't make you feel like you're touching Hunnam's abs. Sorry, ladies.

TL;DR: If you're a fan of sci-fi action, you will not be disappointed. 

You'll be immersed into a new world of post-apocalyptic ruins and futuristic technology you can only dream of. Character development is lacking and the cast isn't the strongest, but hopefully you're here to see robots and monsters fighting - not people yapping. And epically awesome fighting is what you'll get.

When's the sequel coming out?

What have I got in my pocket?

So I figure I should make an introduction post before I go any further with this blog and people start questioning me about my taste in movies.

I plan on making some Top Ten lists so my readers can have a better grasp about what kind of movies I will gladly watch with my eyes taped open - and which ones would drive me to blow my brains out if I had to see them again.

Before I compile those lists, I'll share some fun facts about myself.

• The first book I remember reading was a pop-up Star Wars book. I was about 3 or 4 and my dad gave it to me. I have no idea if there were words in it. All I remember is that I liked the Han Solo page so much that I broke his arm off. That probably explains a lot.
• In 1989 or 1990, my brother was watching Child's Play in the living room. Which means I was either 2 or 3 years old at the time. To this day, I run away in horror from Chuckie dolls if I ever see them in stores.
• I've broken quite a few VHS tapes. Mrs. Doubtfire, The Mighty Ducks, Kindergarten Cop and Free Willy are the first ones that come to mind.
• In fourth grade, my class was assigned to read and analyze The Hobbit for a whole trimester. It became my favorite novel of all time. I re-read it at least once every 5 years. 
• The first movie I saw multiple times in theaters was Men In Black. I dragged my parents to see it with me 4 times. My dad still does the Edgar 'Sugar-Water' routine to make me laugh.
• My first DVD was Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring. It was also the last VHS I ever bought. I actually lost count on how many versions of the LOTR movies I possess. Thanks, extended editions, gift sets, limited editions and blu-rays. You're welcome, New Line Cinema and Peter Jackson.
• My first midnight screening was Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. It was also my first midnight book release party.
• In fifth grade, I wrote an essay on the topic of what I wanted to be when I grew up. I couldn't decide between a film critic or a pediatrician, so I went with a pediatrician who moonlighted as a film critic. 
• 12 years later, I became a registered nurse. I no longer have dreams of becoming a doctor. But I do still dream about getting paid to watch movies. Cinema will always be my one true passion.  
• My name is Patricia and I'm a movie addict.

P.S. Did I mention I'm kind of a creeper?

Celebrate 'MURICA this July 4th by watching Native Americans get gunned down by a turret in Disney's The Lone Ranger!

The Lone Ranger
Score: 0/5
Release Date: July 3, 2013
MPAA Rating:PG-13 (Should be R - it's way too violent for kids)
Runtime: 2 hr 29 min
Format: 2D/Digital
Budget: $250+ million O_o
Worldwide Gross Prediction: $200 million (There are a lot of Johnny Depp fans out there)

I don't know where to begin. I am truly at a loss for words with just HOW BAD this movie is. I'm starting to think that the tag line to this blog has cursed movies for me. Here was my Facebook status right after I left the theater having sat through 2 and a half hours of complete and utter garbage:

FYI - I've never seen The Lone Ranger TV show. But as a pop culture enthusiast, I know bits and pieces about John Reid ("Hi-Yo, Silver! Away!") and his Native American sidekick, Tonto ("Ke-mo sah-bee"). That being said, I'm pretty sure I was better off NOT knowing much and having no expectations whatsoever going into this hot mess also known as a film.

Johnny Depp, director Gore Verbinski, and producer Jerry Bruckheimer all teamed up for the first three Pirates and now they're back to torture us in another franchise (let's hope this one doesn't get any sequels.. but it IS Disney, after all). I was a huge fan of the first Pirates. I found it refreshing, entertaining and a great escape - wholesome fun for the entire family. I even had a talking Jack Sparrow bobblehead on the dash of my car, spitting out phrases like "WATCH THE ROCKS!" whenever I hit a pothole or "WHERE'S THE RUM?!" whenever I swerved. By the time that awful third movie came out, Captain Jack was on his way to the back of my closet. I didn't even bother watching the fourth one. I've reached the point where I physically gag if I see Bruckheimer and Disney in the same sentence.

If you've seen the trailer to The Lone Ranger, you probably thought it looked like a re-hash of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies set in a western. You wouldn't be wrong, but you would be giving it much more credit than it deserves. Try a re-hash rolled up in a genocide pie buried in a pile of horse manure. And that's exactly what you get. A bunch of Native Americans (and even a handful of Chinese railroad workers for good measure!) blasted to hell for some chunks of silver by a couple of psychotic brothers who want to own America by taking control of The West via the railroad. I feel bad for Armie Hammer. He tried really hard for his first starring role. Only it's a shitty one-dimensional role. Where he gets covered in horse shit. In a really shitty movie. Seeing William Fichtner on the cast list of any film makes me excited. He is easily one of my favorite actors and one of the only reasons why I tolerated the last seasons of Prison Break. As a cannibalistic outlaw who giggles while he shoots innocents? No, thank you. (How is this a Disney movie!?) He, along with Depp, were cartoons rather than humans. And don't get me started on Ruth Wilson's woe-is-me, damsel-in-distress widow who sticks her tongue down the first person who saves her on a shining horse.  Oh wait. That's right. Women's Lib didn't exist in the Wild West.

I couldn't understand why everyone surrounding me kept laughing at Depp's quirks and antics. We've all seen the same schtick time and time again. It was brilliant in Edward Scissorhands. It was funny in the first Pirates. It was tolerable in Alice. It was enough in Dark Shadows. Am I wrong in wanting to see Depp in a movie without Helena Bonham Carter? I have nothing against either of them - separately - but whenever they're together, I feel like I'm watching the same movie in different settings. Whatever happened to the days of Gilbert Grape, Blow or Fear and Loathing? I miss Depp The Actor. I'm over Depp The Caricature. The Lone Ranger was a step-by-step tutorial on how to act weird and trick simple-minded audiences into thinking they're seeing something new and exciting. If you're hoping for a fun buddy-comedy western, keep dreaming. The only thing you'll find here are the bad parts of Wild Wild West (Were there even any good parts? Other than Will Smith's scrotum?), the mute Jack Sparrow that wore thumbs around his neck and some Fast and Furious chase sequences with trains and horses. Oh and there is some serious horse slaughter in it - War Horse-style - but it was totally gratuitous and unnecessary. Don't say I didn't warn you. 

TL;DR: I'm not going to even get into the multiple plots of the movie. It would read like verbal diarrhea. Coming out of a schizophrenic's tattered mind. TEAM DESPICABLE ME 2!!!