Suffering From Stage 1 Shitty Sequel Syndrome: RED 2

RED 2
Score: 2.5/5
Release Date: July 19, 2013 
MPAA Rating:PG-13 
Runtime:  1 hr 56 min 
Format: 2D/Digital
Budget: ~$58 million 
Worldwide Gross: Guessing $90 million

I loved RED in 2010. I thought it was highly under-rated and more people should've seen it. The action and story were smart. Bruce Willis was a BAMF (as usual). John Malkovich's oddities were endearing (as usual). Helen Mirren was a sexy minx (as usual). Morgan Freeman made me shed a tear (as usual). The cast was a flawless machine, creating fun entertainment for comic book fans, action fans, comedy fans and even couples.

Fast forward 3 years and you get a modge-podge of a plot with a plethora of forced jokes and random fight scenes. RED 2 is not the edge-of-your-seat action-thriller full of laughs that its predecessor was - not in the slightest. (WARNING: SPOILERS. DUH.)

The film opens with Bruce Willis buying jumbo shrimp at Costco, trying to adjust to retired life. Malkovich fakes his death. Willis stabs him repeatedly with a flower pin in his coffin because he doesn't believe he's dead. Neal McDonough tries to kill them. Willis does hot things in handcuffs. Byung-hun Lee is topless and sweaty, doing hot things in a silk robe (Holy G.I. Joe: Retaliation déjà vu, Batman!). Mary-Louise Parker fires a gun and almost shoots Malkovich in the foot. She is annoying. And her tight Botox and/or facelift is a really distracting sidekick. Catherine Zeta-Jones nibbles on Willis' lips. She back-stabs and poisons him. David Thewlis (Remus Lupin) channels David Tennant as Barty Crouch (I shit you not. He gets interrogated in a chair and starts licking himself and screaming nonsense). Helen Mirren does a great impersonation of a crazy woman who thinks she's Queen Elizabeth in order to break Anthony Hopkins out of a mental institution. Flashbacks to Hannibal Lecter + A Beautiful Mind run in your mind. Hopkins tries to detonate a red mercury nuclear warhead that he created over 30 years prior. Willis out-smarts the smart guy.

As a sequel, it's not as bad as Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen or The Matrix Reloaded. It's no Bourne Supremacy though. I would say it's pretty equivalent to The Whole Ten Yards. Recycled jokes. Unoriginal story. Tweaks the good parts of the original to make it seem like you're watching something new, when you're really just watching the first movie in a different setting. RED 2 had some cool action sequences, but most of them feel like they were just thrown in there to make the audience cheer - cuz let's face facts, people love to see Bruce Willis kick ass. And Lee is climbing the ranks as the go-to Asian action hero/villain. And he does it well in a suit. Or topless. But better as Storm Shadow. That's not permission to see G.I. Joe: Retaliation instead. I actually don't know which one is the worst sequel. My suggestion this month? Go see Man Of Steel if you want action. Or This Is The End if you want action and comedy.

TL;DR: See it in matinee if you liked RED. 

Otherwise, wait til it's on Netflix and watch it after you see RED, so you'll appreciate the original more.

Note: RED 2's release date was pushed forward 2 weeks. Now it will compete against R.I.P.D. - instead of Disney's Planes. Summit Entertainment is so smart.

Olympus Has Fallen V. White House Down

For the love of god and all things that are holy - do NOT see White House Down. Ever.
If you give that steaming pile of overly-advertised turd of a movie any money,
I will personally hunt you down and nutpunch you.

Let's break down some facts of these eerily similar films, shall we?
(WARNING: SPOILERS. DUH.)

Olympus Has Fallen
Released: March 22, 2013
Budget: $70 million
Worldwide Gross:  ~$140 million
Score: 4.8/5

• Vice President sets up plot to take over the White House in order to get nuclear launch codes to blow up America. 
• North Koreans disguised as South Koreans help. 
• President gets saved by a former secret service agent. 
• Advertised as an action-drama. Had quite a few funny moments, i.e. when Gerard Butler needed to type in a hashtag to stop America's nuke arsenal from annihilating us off the face of the planet. He clearly doesn't tweet.
• President: Aaron Eckhart. 
• Acting President: Morgan Freeman
• Secret Service Agent: Modern-day Leonidas
• Love interest: Guns, cursing and torture
• Script bought by studio in March 2012. Filming began July 2012.

White House Down
Release Date: June 28, 2013
Budget: $150 million
Worldwide Gross: Hopefully $0
Score: 1/5

• Secret Service Director AND the Speaker set up plot to take over the White House in order to get nuclear launch codes to blow up the Middle East and start World War 3. 
• KKK members and former military members who hate the current president (for being black) help. 
• President gets saved by an off-duty cop who, earlier in the day, interviews for and fails to obtain a secret service position. 
• Advertised as a a action-buddy dramedy. Not dramatic. Nor funny. Unless you find Jamie Foxx kicking in a guy's head whilst yelling "DON'T TOUCH MY JORDANS!" hilarious. Then, this movie is totally for you. 
• President: Jamie Foxx. 
• Acting President: No one gives a shit.
• Wannabe Secret Service Agent: Magic Mike
• Love interest: Rachel Dawes. Props to Maggie Gyllenhaal for showcasing her impeccable range as the disinterested workaholic brunette, one movie at a time.
• Script bought by studio in March 2012. Filming began July 2012.

TL;DR: If you want to see the White House blown up, watch Olympus Has Fallen.
The action is better, the effects are better, the acting is better, the script is better, the dialogue is better, the cast chemistry is better, the enemies are better, the weapons are better - hell, even the burning flag is better.

WINNER BY K.O.: 

OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN.

It's Air Force One meets Die Hard with a Vengeance. It freaking has the Washington Monument crumbling down, crushing innocent, slightly obese tourists from the Midwest.
Tell me you don't want to see that and I'll show you the door.

Just ask yourself, would you trust Leonidas to protect you against terrorists or a stripper?
Thought so.