Pompeii: Gladiator with a side of lava

Pompeii
Score: 2.5/5
Release Date: February 21, 2014
MPAA Rating: PG-13
Runtime: 1 hr 42 mins
Format: 2D, 3D
Budget: $100 million
Worldwide Gross Prediction: $90 million

I admit, I had no expectations whatsoever going into this movie. I saw the trailer once last summer and vaguely remembered it because of the true stars of the movie, Kit Harington's abs (we'll go over that later).

What can you actually expect when the movie is titled after a famously doomed city? It was like going to see Titanic - you already knew what was going to happen the moment you bought your ticket. I was only hoping for a "Don't let go, Jack!" moment and some really cool special effects of lava IN 3D!

Back story for those of you who didn't pay attention in World History 101, some genius decided that the base of one of the most violent (and still active) volcanoes on earth would be a good place to settle down. And 20,000 other people followed him. Pompeii was an advanced ancient Roman city that had a complete water system and an impressive amphitheater (which was well utilized in the movie). In 79 AD, it was destroyed by a volcanic eruption, making it one of the coolest tourist attractions ever. (I visited it last year and suggest everyone make the trek there - a perfectly preserved abandoned ancient city is truly a sight to see. Most fascinating are the corpse casts that were formed from the hot ash, essentially encapsulating the exact moment everyone died.)

Having physically walked through the streets of Pompeii, I just want to point out that the set designers were totally on point. Everything from the paint job on the buildings and the fast food restaurants were just like how I remembered them - just put to life on the big screen. The actors even skipped on the large stepping stone road blocks that I personally jumped across myself. I have given up hope on historically accurate movies years ago but this one definitely doesn't just pull shit out of the ass just for the sake of looking or sounding ~old.~

The poster they should've actually used,
because everyone watching just wants
to see Jon Snow's abs. Even dudes.

Now that you have a pretty good picture on the landscape, let me paint you the picture of the movie itself. Kit Harington plays Milo, whose entire tribe was murdered by Senator Corvis, a sleazy Roman politician and military leader played by Kiefer Sutherland. He gets captured, becomes a slave and grows up to be a gladiator (because he's a badass with lots of bulging muscles). En route to Pompeii for a gladiator tournament, he sees Corvis again after 20 years. The hate in his eyes and desire for vengeance is palpable (cue Gladiator flashbacks). Emily Browning plays Cassia, a rich girl who falls in love with the poor, sensitive slave boy (cue A Knight's Tale flashbacks - only you actually like the rich girl this time and there are no silly musical numbers). Corvis is obsessed with Cassia and Kiefer gives off a lot of predatory, rape-y vibes (his IRL public masturbation rap-sheet only adds to the creepiness). Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje plays Bridgageous, a cool veteran gladiator who becomes BFFs with Milo within 24 hours and is the true hero of the film. After wanting to punch Kiefer Sutherland repeatedly in the nuts, the movie ends - you guessed it - with a volcanic eruption. The last moment of the movie is actually pretty satisfying and beautifully executed. Special effects were impressive and acting was great (even the side characters like Cassia's mom played by Carrie-Ann Moss were perfectly casted). However, the dialogue could've used some help, the plot could've been more original and there could've been more character development. The action takes the front seat over the romance, so don't expect to be too emotionally involved (which I'm okay with because SPOILER! they all die in the end). All in all, I would watch it again on a rainy day.

TL;DR: Pompeii is a fun ride and would be a great date movie. Well-choreographed gladiator fights (remember, it's PG-13, so don't expect Spartacus-like bloody eviscerations) and a cute love story (totally unbelievable, but what isn't nowadays?). See it on the big screen if you can. The 3D adds to the experience (especially during the destruction sequences).